Edition #35: On Envy, Potential and Trusting the Process
Dear Girl Bosses Under Duress,
Let’s talk about envy.
I’ve been sitting with this feeling lately. Examining it, questioning it, and trying to understand what it truly reveals about us. Envy, in my view, goes deeper than jealousy. It’s not just about wanting what someone else has, it’s about yearning to be them. It’s the desire to embody a quality, possession, or experience that belongs to another. In isiXhosa, we call this feeling “umona,” and it’s something deeply frowned upon in our culture. Unsurprisingly, envy also makes the list of the seven deadly sins in the Bible. There is something deeply sinister about looking at another person’s life and wanting to claim it as your own.
But, let’s hold space for grace.
Because envy is often a signpost. It points to a quiet longing. Something dormant within us that is waiting to be awakened. Envy is the detour our hearts take when they can't yet imagine that what we want is also possible for us. And while it doesn’t always manifest in ways we’re proud of: sarcasm, mocking, passive aggression; beneath those reactions is a very human pain. The pain of unmet desire and untapped potential.
Have you ever scrolled past someone’s post and thought, “Must be nice…”?
That’s envy, masked as nonchalance. It's your consciousness refusing to accept that someone else's reality is out of reach… because a part of you desperately wants it too.
When we feel envy, we’re often grieving. Grieving opportunities we think we’ve missed. Grieving our own perceived lack of progress. But because we don’t slow down to name the sadness, it turns into something sharper; mockery, resentment, disdain. We stew in it. We spiral.
So what’s the way out?
Here’s the cheat code I’ve learned:
(It’s not perfect. I’m no saint. But it has drastically changed my life.)
Practice Mindfulness.
The moment you feel the heat of envy rise up, notice it. Don’t judge it. Don’t moralise it. Just observe it neutrally. Name it without shame.
Feel It in Your Body.
Is your chest tight? Is there a knot in your stomach? A lump in your throat? These are physical clues. They ground the emotion in your body, and help you move through it.
Reflect on the Deeper Emotion.
Ask yourself: What’s really going on here? Often, envy is a mask for grief, fear, or sadness. Sit with your inner child. Hug them. Reassure them. Tell them: You are exactly where you are meant to be.
Connect with Your Higher Self.
Spiritually, what is this moment revealing? What is the Universe, God, or your ancestors trying to teach you? Maybe it’s not yet your time. Maybe your vessel is still being prepared.
Because here’s the truth: you cannot hold what you’re not yet ready for.
If you receive blessings without preparation, they can overwhelm you.
You can’t reap where you haven’t sown.
Acceleration without alignment is not a blessing, it’s a burden.
Think about the job you didn’t get. The relationship that fell apart. The opportunity that slipped through your fingers. Often, the lesson isn’t in the loss, it’s in the preparation. You were not being punished. You were being made ready.
So when I feel envy creeping in, I no longer spiral. I go inward and I ask:
What is this feeling trying to teach me about my own work, my own path, my own timing?
BUT … let me be clear. This only applies when the playing field is equal.
When envy shows up in the face of systemic privilege, inherited wealth, or generational access, the answer isn’t always to look inward. Some people are winning because the system is designed for them to win. Don’t internalise that as your failure. Context matters. You know your story better than anyone. Compete only with yourself.
And lastly, sometimes it’s not envy at all. Sometimes it’s your intuition whispering: That’s meant for you too.
That’s not envy. That’s self-belief.
Learn to know the difference.
With a heart full of gratitude,
Thembi
Your fellow Girl Boss Under Duress